Missing my dad

     My dad died July 7th, 1999, Twenty-three years ago. The last time I saw him was on June 15th, my 20th, birthday, which was the day I left New Bedford, Massachusetts, back to Livingston, California. 

     I will never forget that day. He was a fisherman,since the age of 9, at which time his father pulled him out of school and took him to work alongside him on his boat. Dad had gone fishing same as always, he'd left about 4:30 in the morning. 

     As I was getting into the cab to go to the bus termianl he came down from his apartment with 4 cooked lobsters. He knew I loved lobster, so he had gone out and got me some, fresh from the sea. I took the lobsters, gave him a hug and a kiss, as I pulled away I saw one tear rolling down his face. 

     My father was a manly man, he did not show emotion, other then anger. He was not an affectionate person,but then again no one in the family was, at least not that I can remember. That tear ment so much to me, I think of that moment everyday. There were no "I love yous" no hugs, nothing, I grew up in a very cold atmosphere. 

      I rebelled in my pre-teen years, I wanted out of the violence, I wanted freedom, once I got a taste of it, I held on for dear life. I constantly stayed out for days at a time, I got into a lot of trouble, to make a long story short, I ended up being a ward of the state. 

      My father signed costody of me over to the Department of Social Services. As a result I spent most of my teen years away from my parents and sibblinngs. I would go back to them over and over, but always ended up back in D.S.S. until I was 17, at which time I moved back in with my parents. As I was growing up my parents moved a lot, but I always managed to find them, I was street smart I guess. 

      In late 1990, I moved to New Bedford, from Livingston and stayed with my dad, from the time I arrived to my departer, we got close. My dad begged me not to go back to California, he was having health issues, he told me that if I left he would die alone.

       Needless to say I paid him no mind, and left anyway. 

My sister whom is 5 years older then I had also moved down with me, and she was staying, as well as another sister 3 years younger and my youngest brother they were all in New Bedford. I figured he was not going to be alone, I left for reasons I won't get into at the moment. As I said before my father complained about health issues constantly, at that time I thought he was just craving attention from me, and dismissed it. 

   Ever since he died I regret everyday that I didn't stay.. I should of stayed, maybe he wouldn't of have died if I stayed. Even though he was not affectionate, I miss him dearly. I regret so much. I would give anything to have him back, a fresh start, shoulda coulda woulda is my delema.